The Whole Ten Yards

My Eterenal Quest for a Life

Giving Critique (A Satire)

Today I tried my hand at writing satire. Comments of any sort are definitely welcome at the end (even if it’s just ‘lol’ or ‘u suck noob and by that i mean you dont just suck noobs but you also suck and also belong to the category noob, haha noob’), and please note that a few references might be the slightest bit confusing, as it was originally intended for deviantART audiences. But 99% will (hopefully) make sense. Anyway, here goes:

When you come on deviantART, the most important thing is critique. Why? Well, it’s obvious! Critique helps you improve, and since people are selfish geeks, to get critique you have to give critique.

But people, being selfish geeks, only return critique when they get really good stuff. So when you crit, you can’t just say something like, “The colors need some work, because they detract from the intended emotion. Perhaps split-toning would better achieve the effect you want.” No, no, no, that will make people unhappy! You have to say something like, “The colors suck!”, at the very least.

Here is a step by step guide to giving critique, and I hope it helps you very much in your critiquing journey, here on deviantART.

Step 1.

People want your critique to be very easy to read. And let’s be honest: which is easier? This:

“The imagery was done exceptionally well, but it slowed down the flow of the story. You might want to remove some of the description, and add more action. Furthermore, the main character’s thoughts ramble too much.”

or:

“Your

story

was

too

slow

idiot”

Clearly, the second one! You have all that nice space, which makes the whole thing more readable. Moreover, the content is shorter and takes less time to read, not to mention the lack of punctuation, which saves even more space!

Step 2.

Readability isn’t the only important thing. The worst thing in the world is to have your critique called “boring”. Those ungrateful geeks are no better than what comes out of a dust bunny’s tail, and they’ll tear your beautiful critique to bits just because they think it’s “boring”! So you’ll have to vary it up.

One good method to do this is playing with the capitals. Which is more interesting? This:

“I liked the detail you put in the top right corner of the picture.”

or

“ThE whoLE THiNg SUcKed exCePT fOr thE tOP rIGHt COrNeR.”

Isn’t the second so much cooler? It looks really awesome to read, while the first is just terribly dull.

Capitals aren’t the only thing to change up. Spelling is also great! The shorter you can make a word, the better! So “xprshn” is so much greater than “expression”. Also try to substitute numbers for words as often as possible – it makes you look really smart and computer-savvy. So:

“The coloring wasn’t that neat.”

is way worse than:

“tEh c0Lr1n 5uc5.”

You also want to try and use bad grammar as much as you can. Screwing up your subject-verb agreement can be particularly effective.

Step 3.

Steps 1 and 2 have all been about stylistic issues. But the most important part of a critique is the content, of course. So what should you focus on?

All people, except for you, are egotistical jerkfaces. That means they already know what little good there is in whatever stupid piece of ‘art’ produced. Therefore, the only things you have to mention are the crap parts. Make it sound as brutal as possible, because then that really makes a great critique. Never, ever, sugar something up. DON’T say:

“The anatomy seems to be a little off, particularly with the arms and legs.”

DO say:

“U 1D10t!!!!!!!! 15 taT spP05d 2 b A hUmn?!?!?!?! 1t l00K5 l1kE s0mtHnG mY grndM0Thr tHrU uP!! HA HA hehe!”

A lot of times people are extremely ungrateful. They’ll start saying all sorts of idiotic things, like how “mean” you are, and what a “terrible critique” it was. When that happens, flame them right back.

Call them every insult you can think of, and don’t be afraid of cursing! Then, report them to the admins. Post many journal entries about those people are harrassing you, and at the same time, keep flaming them with the note system.

Write crappy poems about death and doom and gloom, and in the authors’ notes, be sure to say how those ungrateful people were the ones that caused. Make a big fuss about threatening to leave deviantART, because those people ruined the whole experience for you.

There you have it! A three-step guide to giving great critique. Here’s an example of an excellent one:

U

m1tE

th1nK

tHaT5

a

g0oD

ch1B1

1d10T

buT

yOuR

aRe

juuST!!

STUPiDDDDDD

HA

HA

HA

HA

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January 3, 2010 - Posted by | Humor, Writing

2 Comments »

  1. Mmm, yes, I recognise the leetness of deviantARTsholes very well from your piece. My criticism of it, if that’s the right word, is that to me it wasn’t elevated much beyond the observation you made in the first paragraphs:

    “When you come on deviantART, the most important thing is critique. Why? Well, it’s obvious! Critique helps you improve, and since people are selfish geeks, to get critique you have to give critique.
    “But people, being selfish geeks, only return critique when they get really good stuff.”

    You then go on to demonstrate this. Now, that’s fine, and you do it well (although I find parodies of leetspeak usually suffer from the fact that they tend to over-egg the subst1tut10n of numbers 4 letters), but to be a great piece of satire, that I would link to, telling people “look at this rofltastic blog”, I think it would require some sort of analytical insight. Does that sound a bit too pseudy? Probably. But I think the best comedy is like the best journalism, or the best essay-writing: a reader should feel illuminated after reading it.

    That’s setting the bar pretty high of course, but if you can think of something that goes beyond the observational stuff, you might clear it. That’s my view, anyway. It’s a good piece. Now I must go and do some CC crits!

    cheers

    James

    Comment by James Twisted | January 3, 2010 | Reply

  2. Hey James,

    Thanks so much for the crit! That’s really helpful!

    Comment by thewholetenyards | January 4, 2010 | Reply


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